Bike Unrealistic Splash Embarrassingly Transparent
by Independence-Day
Summary: As inspired by that commercial; Nick probably should have seen it coming. Hunters, Smokers, explosions, friendly fire, Spitter acid, all seemed to target the kid but only when he happened to be within a few feet of Nick.


**Disclaimer:** If I owned Left 4 Dead (1 or 2) Rochelle would have been a more well-rounded character. As it is, I'll just have to do my own, non-profit oriented, character development, because Valve doesn't know how to write women.

**Author's Notes:** So, I did this for the lulz. It was really the only reason, because I sort of hate that commercial, but I appreciate its inspirational qualities and that the image of Nick standing there instead of that guy, and Ellis riding by on the bike… I'm actually rather surprised no one else thought of this…

Either way, enjoy it for what it is, and ignore the rather bumpy ending.

**Bike, Unrealistic Splash, Embarassingly Transparent**

Nick should probably have seen it coming. The kid was a walking disaster and usually saved his chaos-creating ways for moments he was standing next to Nick and could share the pain with the ex-conman. Hunters, Smokers, explosions, friendly fire, Spitter acid, all seemed to target the kid but only when he happened to be within a few feet of Nick.

He was not appreciative of Ellis' sharing nature and Karma's choice in playthings.

As it was, knowing what he knew, Nick totally should have seen it coming. There were deep puddles everywhere, given the torrential rain from the day before, and Nick, wearing a white suit, should have bloody known…

But of course, he was distracted. Admittedly, Rochelle in the morning was a nice sight, and Rochelle in the morning with two tins of coffee in her hand was even nicer. The coffee tasted metallic, and was already getting cold, but he'd never tasted anything better, and thusly made his appreciation known by shamelessly flirting with Rochelle more than he usually did.

Who, he felt it should be noted, did not mind a bit.

Ellis had taken the opportunity, like most three years old, to wander off, Coach trailing after him like a massive parent, while Nick and Rochelle enjoyed their coffee and lazy flirting. Nick should have known better, he really should have. He was the only one who was willing to be stern enough with Ellis to prevent his nonsense, and even then the kid made a habit of completely ignoring any wisdom Nick was willing to share (and he had wisdom to share, dammit) often leaving someone bruised and annoyed. Usually him. In fact, always almost him.

Karma was such a bitch during the apocalypse.

Either way, Nick should have seen it coming. He cannot make this clear enough: _he should have seen it coming_. If he had, it would have saved everyone – well, Ellis- some pain and Nick some embarrassment. Not that he got embarrassed easily. He'd been to prison; there was basically nothing that could embarrass him anymore.

So Nick was flirting with Rochelle, and she was smiling all slow and lazy, with her eyes lidded and her hand curved gracefully around her tin of coffee, the other fiddling with her hair, which he was complimenting. She was leaning into him, he was smiling, and everything was set up perfectly for… well. Nick hadn't gotten much farther than that. He was a gentleman when it counted (part of his undeniable charm) and there wasn't really much chance for getting laid when being attacked by zombies, even with an option like Rochelle sashaying around in her skinny jeans, but he wasn't above… whatever they'd been heading for.

He was leaning in, smirking his patented lady-killer smirk and was _this close_ when Ellis went zooming by on a bicycle he'd found somewhere. In his usual fashion, Ellis was hollering "Lookie here what I found guys!" and was completely ignoring Coach who was desperately trying to catch up, and splashed right through a puddle, completely soaking Nick from head to toe.

Now, Rochelle didn't get splashed. Somehow her positioning only ended with her getting lightly sprayed and a little damp, but Nick? Nick didn't have that sort of luck. He was sopped from head to toe, all down his front, back and right side, a feat he wasn't sure how Ellis had managed, but he did, and that was what mattered.

Nick was absolutely soaked… in a white suit.

Ellis' death was inevitable.

Nick stood there a moment, blinking and dripping, expression frozen on his face as Rochelle's face split into a grin and her eyes dipped to take in the soaking con-man. "Boxers Nick? Somehow I always pegged you as a briefs man."

He didn't have time to be insulted by that. He had to kill Ellis. Ellis had to die, and later Rochelle would have to be snidely insulted for…whatever it was she did that was wrong. He wasn't all that worried about her.

"ELLIS!"

Ellis curved the bike around and stopped dead in his tracks, almost falling off the bike. His jaw dropped, the edges of his mouth twitched, as if considering smiling but thinking better of it, and his eyes went wide "Ah man! Sorry Nick-"

"You're gonna be!" Nick shoved his coffee into a laughing Rochelle's hand and took off after Ellis, who, finally realizing he was in danger, kicked the bike off the ground and zoomed off, laughing hysterically.

Coach, who finally caught up, stumbled up to Rochelle, breathing heavily and watched as Nick chasing after Ellis, who howled with laughter and insincere apologies. "Ro'?"

"Yeah Coach?"

"There must be a hundred con artists and comedians out of work in this world… and we get stuck with these two?"

Rochelle shrugged, and took a sip of her stale coffee, the tangy flavor unpleasant but worth the caffeine "Oh, I dunno Coach. They ain't so bad. They make good entertainment at least."

He gave her a look, glanced at Nick as he threw something at Ellis, knocked him off the bike and stomped forward to give the kid a good berating "Would you have given those two a sitcom?"

She smiled sweetly "Not if my career depended on it."


End file.
